Hi Noct,

I'm just now seeing this post although we've talked in chat about the situation. I wish I knew some way of processing anger that cut through the "process", but it's my experience is that anger is a surface emotion, that's usually masking a combination of much more complex feelings. And the only way out is through. And that just takes time to process. I've also found there is no "getting over" anger...it's more like that time and uncovering those underneath emotions morph the anger into more accurate feelings or to the point where we can accept whatever it is that has happened. And by accept I don't mean we are okay with it but that we tolerate that it is/was the way it is/was.

I understand what you're going through to some extent. Just some background so you don't feel alone: my father did some horrible, abusive things to me, and part of that was him deciding he didn't want to speak with me. I went for a while believing I had been wrong, until I saw all the abuse and how the "cold shoulder" behavior was another control/abuse tactic, and I decided that the "no contact" would be on my side as well. At a certain point he wanted to reach back out, but it was clearly only to serve whatever needs he had at the time. Not getting into too many details, but he had esophageal cancer recently, and I think he's in the clear now. He let it slip to me, I believe purposefully, in an email he sent to myself and one of my brothers, about an inheritance about my uncle. I knew it was a ploy to reel me back in without taking responsibility for his past behavior, so I didn't respond to that.

My whole point being that I understand the anger and the complexity of what you're feeling right now.

You are not a bad daughter. You have not failed as a daughter. All relationships go two ways, including those of parent-child. If he has pushed you away, it's not your duty as a daughter to supplicate to him until he agrees to have a relationship with you. He made his choice, and I can see that it hurt you and continues to hurt you. If I had to chance a guess, it's this hurt that is underneath the anger. But only you know what all is underneath.

I can't say anything that will make it better. I just know what you're going through, and the only way I know to free yourself from these emotions is to accept that he made his choice about what he wanted, and you don't have to patronize him to get him to change his mind and deem you a "good" daughter.