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I cant call/text/reach out to any suicide hotline as I am currently at work but that also means I cant actively do anything so Im just getting my thoughts out 🤷*♂️

Im romanticizing suicide, dreaming about it, day dreaming about what I would do and the steps I would take. Of course I know Im too weak to actually go through with it but Im just so stressed right now.

Stuff that used to make me happy feels like static to my brain, or if someone took their nails to a chalkboard over and over again. The low level dysphoria and depression I feel day in and day out is starting to wear on me and I feel trapped where I am.

It doesn't help that Im getting older too, its been one month since my 24th birthday and Im still in the same place I was 4 years ago. I feel like Im undesirable now, too old to be wanted for some reason and Im not even sure why I feel this way. I know realistically thats false but some part of me feels too old to have anyone genuinely want me, that my prime was when I was 18-22. I feel unripe.

And whats worse is with every year I dont transition is another year wasted. In this gross flabby body I hate, with curves and features that betray what I want to be. I just want to be happy, to have a body I enjoy. But at this rate dying seems the better option. Its hard to see the point