I'm so very sorry you are in this situation.

I was helped enormously by medication my doctor prescribed. It actually saved my life. Not that the medication changed the negatives in my life, and there were so many. But it made them into challenges that I was eager to take on. It gave me great hope and allowed me to have joy of living and peace of mind again even in the midst of my loses.

Are you in the care of a kindly physician?

My depressed and hopeless feelings were so bad and the suicidal thoughts and desires were so strong that I was nearly catatonic and so I checked myself into the hospital.

This action which was kind of scary at first provided me with tremendous support by many physicians and many fellow sufferers.

There is a saying about having suicidal thoughts. If one asks "is it time to go to the hospital, then it is time to go."

We here on the Forums are not doctors or medical professionals or suicide counselors. We are just fellow sufferers of terrible losses or failures or crushing disappointments or feelings of being trapped in inescapable hopelessness. You have posted often here so I think you understand this from personal experience at this site.

I wish I knew how to help you. I have probably read some of your posts here but my memory is failing.

Hopefully other members here will see your post and respond to it with the more helpful words than my poor pathetic words.

It is so hard to know what to say to someone having suicidal fantasies and it is sadly so easy to make them feel worse rather than better. My deepest, deepest apologies if anything I have said has not been helpful to you or made you feel worse. Please know that I feel for you and that even though I lack wisdom by heart really goes out to you! ! ! Sincerely Yao Wen