I had a bad emotional flashback today. It started with a dream as most of them do. Basically RS was trying to make me get out of bed in the middle of the night and do something completely ridiculous (put gas in his car for him). It set off memories of when my husband would wake me up to do other things for him and I would refuse because I really don’t like being woken up. He would get aggressive and guilt me into saying yes but generally I still wouldn’t but I couldn’t sleep again because of the aggression and guilt.

Anyway I was very sad when I went to group and felt like self harming. I was kind of freaking out because I haven’t felt like that in awhile. It took me most of the first group to figure out why and then I did decide to talk in process group because I was almost in tears. I know the dream came on because I looked at my FB memories and there were pics of my son as a toddler and turns out this is the day my first husband and I went on our honeymoon. And then at the very end I saw a picture of him he and I and I just kept thinking how could he love me and do what he did anyway. I’ve gotten stuck there a few times. But I’ve got to let it go. I’ll never know why he did it and furthermore I know that even if he were still alive he’d be furious at the suggestion that what he did was assault and do who know what. He never hit me but clearly he wasn’t above assaulting me in other ways.

I was desperate to get away from the sadness and self harm thoughts but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in group, especially trauma group, is that there is no running away from distress. If I want to truly let it go I have to sit with the feelings and practice self compassion. For me there’s a thin line between sitting with the feelings and getting wrapped up in them. So I sat with it and then came home at 12:30 after group was over. Luckily RS had taken off today so I texted him that I was sad so please don’t let me go in our room to lie in bed. We got sandwiches and I took a shower which helped immensely because my hair was gross. Helped me feel better about myself. Then we went to the mall to walk around (it was too hot and humid outside). I treated myself to a couple of candles and a candle holder from bath and body works.

I also feel really good about myself today because I did not reward myself or feed my depression with food. I got a small bag of chips with my small sandwich and had a banana. Then I just had one hot dog instead of two and a 100 calorie bag of popcorn. No big cookies or binge eating chips or crackers or anything. Very proud of myself. This is the habit I need to get into in order to lose weight or at the very least not gain any more.