College started today. So I spent the day doing last min. things for Miguel. Anxiety is high. As you can probably tell I'm isolating. I really need to take my anxiety meds 3x a day. I've given up on getting ahold of my pdoc. contemplating spending the next 2 weeks sleeping or I'm sick of this illness. It's not going to get better. Hell soon I'll have to mask without being on the right medication, with no pdoc, or T. I feel I need to SH to stay tethered to reality but that would freak H out. I only got up 8 hours ago but I'm thinking about going back to bed. **** bugs! I'm going to turn off my phone until it stops imaginary ringing. Stay in bed and blare music until I'm better or I loose grip completely this is ridiculous. Maybe I'll watch undone to not feel as alone. The whole conversation about subjective reality has really gotten to me. (H had a nightmare and felt stupid for it feeling real and having real emotions to deal with. He didn't like that I compared it to him being understanding to my feelings when I'm having issues.)

I have to accept that I'm not going to be productive and reliable. I wanted to learn illustration and computer animation to teach it to homeschool kids on the cheap. oh well, I have to focus on myself.