For the last few months I've started seeing a new therapist who has helped me open up and be more tolerant of other people, something I wanted to try in order to be more socially comfortable and meet new people and such. I had high hopes and started being a lot less close minded and more friendly to other people being not so quick to judge them. Thing is I had no real results, instead I kind of realized that I heavily disliked what people my age would be up to and what kind of ideas they had, and I was trying too hard to be somebody I was not, just for the sake of not being alone.

Lately my friendships are becoming more distant, my close friends all have girlfriends and work full time jobs so we rarely see each other, and the little times we meet again just don't feel the same as before. I myself finally got the courage to tell a friend of mine that I liked her (in reality I was in love with her for the past 5 years), but even then things got weird and now we don't talk anymore.

I 'm finishing my studies in a culinary institute, something that has always disturbed my anxiety since it's rather a hostile environment, despite the fact that I love cooking, I heavily dislike the industry and the job itself.

So now I'm currently stuck in a career that I have little faith in and want to take a break from it, but it's all I have to keep my mind occupied. I have a really strong type of pure OCD, I was medicated but in the last 2 months I stopped taking the medicine gradually following my doctor's orders, I haven't had any anxiety but I feel like these intrusive thoughts are becoming stronger.

I dislike going to sleep and I hate waking up, I'm apathethic and feel hopeless but don't want to have any hope. I feel like I don't belong in this world, that people don't really like me as I am and that I find it very difficult to follow standard life, like having a relationship, having a rutinary job and surviving life itself. I have a lot of hobbies and I'm good at what I do, I feel good about myself, but I feel like other people don't, so in a way I feel alone all the time.

My OCD is manifesting in thoughts about this girl I'm still in love with, despite the fact I know she is troubled and would not be good for me, but I can't help but keep thinking about her even with smaller details that just remind me of her like when I pass the benches where we used to sit and talk. I've become addicted to socializing to keep my mind from these thoughts but like I said my friends are distant and just like a drug, after our outtings are over I go back to feeling very low again. I'm basically just living on constant distractions, that are good for me (like socializing, going to the gym or playing music), but they just help to keep me away from my thoughts, and nothing seems to stop.

This next months until the end of year are going to be very difficult, I have to graduate and work instensely for some time so I'm going to be very very stressed, something I don't think my mind and body can cope with anymore after all the childhood trauma I had in which I had to live in fear (it's another story but it lives in my head forever), I have no motivations, no hope that nobody will love me or that I will never meet anybody that is not messed up in my current generation, no hope of ever being fulfilled or being ok. I figure my doctor will tell me to take my meds again but I know these things just make me feel ok and blind me from reality, but don't change the fact that I dislike this life and this life dislikes me. I'm not suicidal, but I really don't want to be anywhere, I just want to sleep and make time pass.

I know it's a lot to read, but thanks for taking the time, I really appreaciate it.