I'm in lurking mode. I am reading some posts, but it's too much for my mood to reply to everyone I would like to. At first I was frustrated about getting the Rx for my Adderall. I know my doctor likes for me to take it so I don't do the SI thing. Even though I haven't done anything "bad" for a few months being off the Adderall, I still have occasional thoughts and do get triggered reading anything about the subject. I got the Rx filled yesterday and took it for the first time again today--but at a lower dose that I requested. It affects my heart rate so it goes too high. I was taking pills before to counteract that but those drop my heart rate too low and can make it more chaotic in rhythm. Thus chest pains, blood pressure spikes, and more. So I have been kinda scared to go back on both meds. I like the Adderall for me and I want to be on it, but not with these physical side effects. I didn't have high hopes or alot of faith in going back on the Adderall, but I wasn't pessimistic about it either. Today is really depressing for me. Resting heart rate is 100+. I walked fast to get to the train station and attempted to go a bit faster crossing the street. Attempted. I tried. By the time I got to the other side I could feel my heart had skyrocketed. I got really nauseous and dry heaves. My chest started to hurt. I didn't have a way to time and calculate my pulse, but from the palpitations I felt and my good estimate, my heart rate was around or at least 200. I can't do this!!!!! I'm going to try. I'm going to have some hope that my body will adjust a little more and maybe--just maybe--(if I am really lucky?!?!)--maybe it will get better. I hope. I'm really upset about this though. I should have know and expected it. Yet I dared to have some hope. So much for positive thinking. This really bothers me and I am so depressed about it--I don't know long I can/will put up with this!! It will really affect my mood! Not to mention my health. I sent an email to my doc's private email so he'll know that I may need him again soon about this. I really wish I could talk to him about it now. But I'll give it a chance. Give my body a chance to adjust some again.

I really want to reply to so many posts. But I just can't tonight. Just know that I am thinking about all of you. You are all my friends. Even if I am quiet, I know that you are there for me.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Group Hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}