I’ve started telling myself “you deserve to be happy.” It’s nice to think this way.

I went through the bedroom over the weekend, rearranging and reorganizing. Not leaving it a shrine to him. He only wants pictures so far and nothing else that he left behind in the bedroom. Ive made both sides of the room mine now. Work clothes in the closet on one side of the room, and other side of the room for my non work clothes, where his clothes used to be.

I’m sleeping on the side of the bed he used to sleep on. It’s funny because I suddenly remembered how we both preferred that side but he never allowed me to have it over 20 yrs. Id ask for a turn having that side and he would say no, but be kinda funny about it so I’d let it go. One time I asked seriously for it, said why can’t I have a turn for awhile? he absolutely refused. Said it’s the side he prefers and so, there'd be no discussion about it. So dumb.

I’m enjoying feeling less fearful about him. I am more able to observe his behavior and our interactions than get swallowed by them.

He charged up more debt on our shared acct instead of paying it down. I asked him why he is charging up debt on an acct in both our names, and he said he’ll take what he needs. I asked if he is budgeting or was there some sort of emergency. and he said don’t worry about it or he could start questioning whether I’m damaging the house or not paying the mortgage and bills, ruining what we worked for. Here I am paying for everything and he’s adding debt to our names and acting like I have no right to ask him about it or expect him not to add debt to a shared acct. He said who cares if it’s in my name it means nothing. I asked him what limit he was imposing on the debt he is adding, and he didn’t respond.

It really threw off my night and I was fretting about him running up the debt to the max which is several thousand dollars. We kept getting conflicting info from the bank about closing this acct, transferring debt out of my name etc. I told him the limit needs to be reduced on that acct. really I was seeing what his reaction would be since I was heading into the bank to see about reducing the limit. He told me that he was going to ignore anything I say about the bank from now on.

I was at the bank for 45 minutes and they problem solved how to minimize the damage and get the acct closed and make it so charge acct can’t advance anymore money. It’s pay down debt only now. He could still neglect monthly payments, running up late fees and and they do charge interest each month but it’s a relief not be monitoring that acct everyday anymore. I told him what I did and he simply said “thanks.” So odd.

I started the divorce paperwork today. Didn’t complete too much but am getting the ball rolling, progress.

I start to balk a bit, but now I have my new reminder..I deserve to be happy.