Thanks for that, Azul. Hopefully someday I'll get wherever it is I'm going.

Thanks for posting all that Dboneal. Wow.

Your story does sound frighteningly familiar. I'm so sorry about what you've gone through and hope that you are healing and getting some bearings. I, too, am at that point of feeling like most of my life has been a lie. It's very depressing. That's why I've had to think his issues were neurological, otherwise I would have to accept that he has never loved me and the marriage, that I thought was great, was actually just one big manipulative lie.

Much of what you posted about is where I have been the last few weeks, particularly the covert narcissism. Like you, I am looking back more and more and seeing the signs that I excused away because there was still a part of him that seemed kind and fun to be around.

He's been gone for work two of the last 3 weeks and sadly, that's been nice. It's so calm and things run so smoothly when he's not here. it's really weird to say that, even when he's just sitting in his chair ignoring everybody he still controls the room. It's just that dark simmering mood that makes everybody else watch themselves.

Since the blowout a few weeks ago he switched over to "good boy" mode and is acting very happy and overly polite. It looks like overcompensation. Again, really weird, feels phony and over the top. For example he has to go out of his way to say "bless you" if someone sneezes and it's so forced and pressured, almost like a little kid who's just learning about manners and is trying very hard to practice them without fully understanding the nuance of it. Like I know it's not genuine, but like passive aggressive behaviors, you can't argue what he's doing is somehow not right. There have been a number of times recently when I can't help but think he looks like a 6 year old having a midlife crisis. There's just such an immaturity and disconnect with reality, amid all his 'I wants'.

My feeling about what's going on changes from day to day, but right now I'm in the camp of thinking he's someone who's always been on the borderline and covert narcissist spectrum, but now has new issues that have complicated it. Neuro or psych, who knows? I'm not completely convinced about behavioral variant dementia but not dismissing it either. A few people have told me recently that it was once someone went into dementia that they realized they were covert narcissists, because they lose their ability to be clever and then you see the tactics very clearly. This is true with dh, he's not very smooth in the things he does anymore, they look obvious now. Maybe he is just a collapsing narcissist though.

Sometimes he does things that just absolutely confound me. A few days ago I was in the other room and overheard him ask DD if penguins were birds, and then theorized that they must be because they lay eggs. That kind of thing happens from time to time and takes me aback about what kind of damage he has in his brain. He used to be very smart and when he does things like that.. I don't know... That doesn't seem like manipulative behavior at all, it just looks like someone who's brain isn't working right anymore.

he does other things sometimes that look more like dementia than a personality disorder or psychiatric issue, but at this point trying to figure that out is just a waste of time.

For now, I'm stuck for a variety of reasons. Still, I'm doing what I can to better myself and my life within the confines. It's almost like I've split off from him and am focusing on myself and my side of things in the house. He undoubtedly senses the changes and that probably accounts for some of his change in behavior. The way he's been lately is almost like love bombing, but he's been such a jerk for the last few years, and he's lost capacity, to where that kind of behavior doesn't even feel a little bit genuine or connected. It feels weird and creepy. Not right.

Last weekend he came to where I was working and started asking a bunch of questions about what I was doing. DD and I have learned to be vague with him because otherwise he starts critiquing and micromanaging. I casually said that I was finishing up and set my work aside. Then he got rather angry and accused me of avoiding him, and he's not totally wrong, he just doesn't get why we do that. At that point he went into another rant about how this isn't even a marriage anymore, and frankly he's right, but it has much more to do with his issues than with me at this point (except that I have to put up with it and deal with him). But of course that can't be seen or said. At any rate, I accept that he might discard me at some point before I can figure out what to do about any of it.

So for now I'm just keeping on keeping on and praying for better days.

Thank you again for sharing your story and commiserating, it means a lot. I'm sorry it's taking me so long to get back to this thread. I hope you're still on the boards and might come back by.