Today’s session began with a recap of my medical procedure. R understood my frustration at the lack of explanation, and I thanked her for understanding why I got in touch.

‘I knew from your email it was something you struggle with. How are you feeling now?’

We talked about it some more, especially the fact that I had essentially chosen to have it done.

‘Can I hear a very faint “I’m proud of myself.”?’

‘Maybe. I think I am proud of the way I handled it.’

I explained that having something physical going on puts me in a different mental space. ‘So I wasn’t really able to access the space I needed to be in to do that [work on the support system diagram]. The day I sat down to work on it more, I received an email from one of my favourite grief coaches. He’s gradually stepping away from social media, and moving his video content to a platform that nobody’s ever heard of.’

This led to a conversation about the importance of access within my support system. In order to feel like someone is there, I have to be able to reach out to them.

‘If somebody’s in my support system, and I know that they have something going on, I’m less likely to reach out to them.’

I spoke about how I wasn’t aware of the sheer number of roles Steve seemed to fill for me until I did the support system diagram.

‘There was a lot wrapped up in your loss of Steve.’ R went on to list many things we had spoken about. She then asked me how I felt when looking at the diagram.

‘Most people wouldn’t need to do something like this to know who their people are.’

‘You’d be surprised. What are S.L. specific spaces?’

‘Suicide loss…’

I then read an excerpt from last night’s journal entry in which I talked about some of my difficulties with a specific space.

‘Even though I’ve spent the last 14 months adapting, I still feel out of place in those spaces. Steve was my friend, and there are many people grieving inner circle losses.’

‘Try not to minimise your grief over Steve.’

I went on to explain that the purpose of the support system diagram was to help me update the Wellness Plan I made in 2017. R said she hadn’t come across a Wellness Plan before, so I said I’d show her next week.

When we spoke about my medical procedure, I remarked that everyone present had said ‘Well done.’ – ‘I didn’t do anything.’

‘Sometimes well done doesn’t mean well done for doing something.’

‘This is new information for me.’

‘Well, that’s my gift to you.’

Our breathing focused on releasing any tension that had built up in relation to my medical procedure, or anything else.