LT - Yes, I would like bariatric surgery. I would be nice to not have all these health problems and to be an average size for once in my life.
Trigger for weight:
I would love to get off most my health meds, have energy, less physical pain. I want to be more free, like L is. Free of this body and free of the walls I've put up. But what to do afterwards? What's there to live for? I don't know.

I was able to talk to L on the phone this morning. She said she was wondering when the jealousy would come up. She doesn't find it weird or bad. She said she knows that I can be happy for her AND be feeling grief for myself.

I think that's what it is more than jealousy: grief. I've lost a lot and her growth just highlights what I have lost.