My specific circumstances are very different from yours but I feel very much the same as you. It’s good that you at least shared what you did. What stood out the most to me is that you are in a very stressful situation to begin with. You don’t have close friends or a soulmate that you can really talk to. Number one is that I believe in my own humble opinion that you probably should go back on your meds. You don’t want these negative thoughts to constantly be running through your head.

Two , although ANY job can be stressful to any particular person , have you given thought to changing careers ? I know you probably have gone through hell just to get where you are now. But if it stresses you out so much why are you doing it ?
Either that or your going to have to learn how to deal with the stresses of being a chef.

The main thing here though is how I hear how you are just sick of life in general.
And this is where I ID with you. I feel like I don’t belong here. I’m really tired and look forward actually to the “ eternal sleep”. I know that sounds horrible to say but it’s how I feel. I feel tremendously guilty for feeling like this. I know there are millions of people who would change places with me. It seems so selfish and childish to just want to give up like that. But you feel how you feel. You need something to look forward to. You need a purpose in life. I need to share myself with someone. I feel like a I’m totally out of place.

BUT……I didn’t make myself so I’m not going to take myself. I’ll wait for the good Lord to bring me home. In the meantime I’ll just try and get some gratitude back into my head. Some POSITIVE thoughts to ruminate on. This is what I think you need also. I’m sorry for rambling so long. I wish you the best and hope you get through this difficult period of your life. Happiness can be just right around the corner.