I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. I know you said you've each met with the T individually and are now set to meet together. I wonder if you'd be able to talk about these concerns with the therapist individually before meeting (or maybe email them, something like that?) to get some sort of reassurance that she won't just treat this like a miscommunication?

"My concern is the therapist does in fact seem to think of this as marriage counseling. Everyone has a perspective and those should be discussed and heard and whatever, so we can work together.

But this isn’t a communication problem or misunderstanding. I mean, suppose I were a person of color and my colleague used a racial slur. Would we be talking about mediation and perspectives? I don’t think so."

And of course you know my experience with marriage counseling--I would highly recommend against developing transference for the therapist! I'm not even sure anymore what lasting takeaway I got from that, so can't answer that question really. Honestly, I think my current therapist has helped more with my marriage (just through talking to me, advising me on stuff with H, suggesting ways that H might be reacting to me--though he was very wrong one time) than ex-MC did.

Are you still in touch with the one T you saw periodically who specialized in disabilities? Was that Visa maybe? I'm wondering whether she could advise you on whether this is a good idea, some suggestions on how to approach it in the joint session(s), etc. I feel that maybe you ended on a bad note with her, so perhaps not.