candy, do you realize you've build up a dependance for benzos, and it seems alcohol as well? I'm not sure if you feel this way, but I know a lot of people who are sent to treatment for benzos or opiates from court referrel or social services believe that taking benzo's and opiates aren't like other drugs, so it's ok to take them whenever they want. It IS ok to take benzo's and opiates when they are prescribed to you for nerves, pain, etc, etc... But it becomes not ok when you start abusing those drugs and feel that in order to feel 'normal' you have to have them right at that moment. That is also considered drug addiction.

I've read your poetry in the creative corner, and I've read several of your other posts on the threads... You are very talented and from your posts, I sense you have a lot of withheld pain. A lot of us drug addicts or recovering addicts become addicts because of the pain we never showed or let anyone know about. I really do hope you can find that one person you can trust and tell everything to that relieves some of that internal pain you have.

The more benzo's you take, the higher your tolerance will become. Thus, the higher your tolerance is, the more benzo's you have to take and benzo's can do some real damage to your insides if not taken the right way. My suggestion would be for you to get help for your apparent addiction, and let them help you come off of the benzo's. Whatever is offered, though, PLEASE do not go to a methadone clinic. I see all too often people who have that addictive chemical in their brain who go to the methadone clinic to come off opiates and benzo's end up getting addicted to the methadone worse than they ever were on the other drugs. It's not a pretty picture coming off of methadone, I've been there and I would have rather died than go through those withdrawals again. I hope you find peace of mind and help, candy. (((huggz))) if wanted.