I used to write about my ex and why I still have feelings for him, which is what members of forum couldn't understand since, from their perspective, he was horrible to me. But, to be honest, compared to the rest, he by far treated me most like a human being and a friend. It's that bad.
I always hear men complain they can't find girlfriend, women don't want them, they are lonely, we women have it easy... I don't see that. Men, as far as I have been alive, were always horrible to me and treated me like trash.
I don't have bad opinion of myself. I take good care of myself, I think I am cute, I've been told I am very attractive many times, even for almost 50 years old. I have good job, my own apartment, I am software developer, painter, writer, I love fitness, self-care, I have many hobbies and I love animals and nature. I do not hate myself but I am really insecure, mostly because people treat me like trash.
I was bullied and sexually harassed in middle school. After that, men mostly saw me as "sex thing" I don't know why, I was total nerd, didn't even wear make up, or dresses, I dressed like slob. I married a man I fell in love with but he wanted me to change as person, because he didn't like who I was. It lead to constant fights and screaming matches because he just wouldn't let go and let me be what I am. It's like he didn't like anything about me, suddenly. It ended in divorce.
After that, I had relationship with my best friend, that "famous ex" who at least, unlike all others, took real interest in me, encouraged me in work, writing, painting, always was my great support and my biggest fan. But we had other problems, not to write about it again.
Then there were other, men, even though I was way over 40, still seeing me only as sex object and nothing else. It's like, when I stop being sexy, and that has to be soon, I will be just nothing! Since, that's only thing they see. One man almost tricked me into relationship lying that he was divorced, then when I refused to continue to see him, told me I am "negative" person. The other one, who was only 36, pursued me hard for weeks, seemingly smitten with me, called me every day, texted me, took interest in me and my life, seemingly me got connected and became friends. He seemed genuinely interested in me. When I said I am visiting his city, he was quick to chose apartment for me so he can visit, and asked me to take "at least 4 days" so we can be together. When I got into that city, he suddenly had "so many obligations" he "had to" cut his hair, and "had to" go shopping etc. So, i was alone all first day, he came in the evening for sex and left in the morning leaving me feeling like a crap. Next day, which was Sunday, he was nowhere to found, he appeared on Monday late again for sex, and left and never called me again. Like I am complete trash.
Next dude appeared on first date, we had pleasant conversation, her said he was interested in second date, never texted me, but asked me next week on a date the same day! I had some other plans so I asked him for next day. Next day, he said he can't come because he is at work and he will call another time. I never heard from him again.
The newest one, 56 old man, well educated and divorced with adult children, I assumed was mature and grown up, I had to almost beg for first date which he set 2 hours before his gym, because he was "going out anyway". We had quite pleasant conversation, and he texted me few days after then stopped. Not a peep whole weekend. I wrote to him that he is obviously not interested and wished him good luck and he immediately wrote that he is interested but he was "sooo busy" and set another date an hour before his gym because it was most convenient for him. Ok, it was a pleasant hour but he talked mostly about him and like in his messages, he never asked me anything about me. Of course, like every one of them, he wasn't against physical contacts, but showed no interest in me as a person. After that he texted me about some irrelevant things and stopped texting completely ghosting me. Like every single one of them.
To be blunt, I didn't sleep with most of them, it was just making out, so that's not the reason they bailed as I am aware a lot of men can be assholes about that. They just appear not to see me as human, they either fake interest then leave and ghost me, or don't even bother. It's like I am no human. Then men complain how easy is for us to get a date or relationship? Since when? And what am I, chopped liver? Why they don't even try? And why they fake interest or lose my and their time if they are not into in? Why men always treat me like trash, like I am nothing?