I work very closely with an older colleague who used to be my boss but now we are "equals" at least in the hierarchy. I'm very very close to this person; I'm on good terms with his wife and kids, we've traveled together for conference and even vacationed together a few times. etc. And we've worked together very closely, doing something called "pair programming" where you code together side by side. And we've pair-programmed in this way for many years and generated huge amounts of code. So it's been something of a partnership.

Recently I hired a new programmer who's really phenomenal. I've been supportive of him, given him projects he likes, never pushed him when he doesn't test his code because frankly it's really hard finding good employees and I wanted to keep him.

About five weeks ago, my colleague said he wanted the new programmer to clean up one of our bigger programs. I said OK. Then he started sitting with the new programmer to help him do "clean up." And almost immediately, my colleague doesn't want to work with me anymore and has given the new guy my project. This would be hurtful no matter what, but what I can't get over is that he didn't even discuss it with me for five minutes.

I didn't really fight or make a big stink about it. I guess deep down I think the new guy might be able to do a better job. But I can't get over my colleague giving away my code and project without even a discussion. I've been giving him the cold shoulder for weeks and he knows I'm upset. I also know that he wants to make peace, e.g. his wife invited me for dinner this past weekend (I said I had a headache and excused myself).

I've never been so depressed in my life. I'm crying all the time. Anything sets me off. I feel like I no longer really have a job since my project has been taken away, and like I no longer have value in the group. My SO has been trying to cheer me up but today warned me that they're at their limit (naturally that depressed me even more because now I have pressure to not feel depressed). I start to think I need a new job, but I'm terrified of leaving this group. I've worked with these people for over ten years and some of our projects are just starting to pan out. Honestly, I'm a weird and shy person and always felt it was a miracle that I found a group where I "fit in." Losing that sense of belonging has been really hard. Furthermore, we're developing a product that I had all kinds of dreams about, that it would mean a long-term future of expanding the product, distributing it, etc. That future also seems like it's just gone. Even though it's actually my project and my product, with five years of my hard work to develop all the code, I just don't care about it anymore and I feel like it has nothing to do with me. I've stopped going to the office and reading any emails about it (I told the new employee to write me updates everyday, and he does, but I started finding those updates unbearably depressing). We just hired another employee and I dumped him on my coworker. I didn't even bother meeting him.

I don't really feel like talking to my colleague. I feel there's no point. I don't want the project back. I'll never work/code with him again. If I vent at him, he'll just invalidate me and explain why all my feelings are wrong. It won't change anything. So I interact with him only when absolutely necessary for work. So in addition to everything else, I'm heartbroken over the loss of a friendship I've had for 10+ years.

I'm in total anguish... I feel hopeless like never before... And even if I want a new job, I have to stick it out in this one for at least another 2.5 years.

How do you pull yourself up when you're extremely depressed and triggered every day? I'm already sleeping plenty, exercising more and eating healthy...