Thanks everyone

I cannot find the words to describe how ungodly excruciating this is. I feel completely devastated, hopeless, and that all of my fight and efforts to get better have been futile. I oscillate between being angry as hell and wanting to self-destruct and just submitting to this and accepting my fate. These are not the greatest options and I am unable to consider options that are gray.

I don't know if he is happy as hell that I am gone. He just got rid of a liability and didn't do it himself. Is he relieved? Does he care? I once told him that if it ever got to the point that I missed a session that he would know something is wrong. Does he remember this? Is he angry and now content knowing that he will not have to deal with me? He knows that power struggles are my weakness. I have no appointments with him now. So, to call and make one would make me feel even less powerless because I would have to talk to the secretary who took my cancellation call, and would feel like I was begging to come back. I want to tell him everthing I've figured out. I had no choice but to take back my own power. I was and am unable to submit. I so desperately want to call him but cannot find it within myself to do so.

This action has empowered me. I have finally taken a stand and drawn a boundary with T. I finally showed him that I will not accept someone else determing my fate. If he doesn't somehow orchestrate this so I can go back, not feel like I am begging, and save face this will be a major turning point. I will tell him everything that I have figured out as a result of this. I will tell him that I will no longer be silenced by his or anyone else's anger. I will no longer be passive in order to avoid other people's anger. I will no longer see others as having more power than myself to figure out what is going on with me. I now know that I am the only one who knows myself. I now will be able to tell others, No, that's not how I'm feeling, that's not what I'm thinking, that's not the reason I did that, that's not the reason I said that. I WILL BE HEARD. I WILL NOT BE SILENCED. I WILL NOT SUBMIT. EVER. EVER AGAIN.

As you can see, I am holding multiple emotions at the same time. I am also holding massive anxiety wondering whether or not I will ever see T again. This will never be resolved if I never see him again. So, I guess I am unable to give myself power on this one at this time. If he looks beyond by behavior to see my intentions and sees that he made a grievous error and begs me to come back (okay, I'm reframing this to fit my purposes as I don't want to say if he takes me back, LOL), he will see that all of his efforts have not been in vain. I wish I had known another way to empower myself, but I clearly didn't.

PS: If you haven't figured out what my avatar (whatever it's called) is, it is a picture of a dead hippo. Also, notice Ts new quote. Nice touch, huh? I did this when I was angry and now think it is hillarious! LOL