I wake up, with a pressure like my chest is being ripped apart. “Damn I woke up.” “Damn bugs”, “what’s that noise?” ”Relax (Dog) isn’t barking and H is sleeping” get up to use the bathroom.

Look at the mirror and turn on the light before walking in so you can see if anyone is in there. Leave the door a little open just in case you need to run. Look at arms while going to the bathroom and daydream about self harm. Try to take deep breaths. Look in the mirror to see if someone is behind you. Get lost listing all your flaws in the mirror. Think about self harm again. Run out of the bathroom because you don’t trust that you won’t Self harm if in there any longer then you have to be.

Sit down at the computer. Hear my name being called or “my heads to loud” so I throw on my headphones while scanning my computer screen for who’s behind me. Remind myself I have to eat something but try to distract myself while I scan the background for someone behind me.”bugs still bothering me”, start thinking something that’s not true. “You know what grounds you… cutting” ”he’ll be disappointed” “he doesn’t have to know” frustratedly throw off my headphones to get up.

“You know that’s going to make you fat” “how many bugs do you think were killed and in there?” “You trust it’s from a sanitied place” “You know they lie on the labels” You don’t even know what’s in there” Count while drinking it. “You know you can get rid of it, it’s not too late” Deep breaths” your okay.” It’s too loud throw headphones on. Check the time “you can only fix this mistake within 20 min.” “you only have to get through the next 20 min. Search behind me through my computer screen. Bug are still feeling like they’re crawling on me. Distract myself. Check the doors and window. Feel like there’s something just outside my vision. Distract self until H wakes up.

He asks what’s for breakfast. “You know a multivitamin with water will have more nutrition with less calories” “yeah but I won’t be able to eat that either” “at least water is see through” ”shut up” goes on until H hands me food. [If I make food I need help carrying, cutting, draining, stirring, and serving whatever I make and I get overwhelmed by having to keep asking for help] Brain tries to gross me out while eating.”You made a horrible mistake, you HAVE to fix it. Get rid of it” Try to carry a conversation for at least 20 min. Too many outside noises so I throw my headphones on.

If we have to go out Ask H to get my clothes for me because nothing will look right on me.[He helps me put on my bra] Make sure he’s in the room while I change just in case someone comes in. While my head is spewing **** about how I look. Sometimes I need him to help me with tying my shoes tight enough.

Then we walk to the car. [He holds my hand to steady me on uneven ground so I don’t fall. If it's more than 2 min away my ankle starts hurting walking to it.] My head gives me all the ways we can die in a horrible accident the whole time driving. I grip my seat several times until we get out.

We’re at save a lot. Everyones looking at me. No one can be behind me or they’re there to hurt me.H has to be with me. [He has to pick up heavy things, control the cart, distract me, carry the money, interacts with the cashier] “Your really going to get food?” “Don’t you have enough?” “thought we agreed you don’t eat.” “you know what’s that made of?” “they’re looking at you” “they want to hurt you” “ you should slit your wrists” make a gesture like I’m cutting my wrists. “You’ll feel better.” [The more I walk the more my ankle hurts.] “Just get what you need and get out” “breathe, you’re okay.” If anyone talks to me I get terrified they’re going to hurt me, or I did something wrong, or they need something from me and my anxiety jumps up.I often think why are they talking to me? Are there enough people around if I need help? Where’s H? [If I get to stressed my eyes will dart around from Nystagmus and I will get dizzy or feel faint because I haven’t ate or drank enough for the day and have to sit down] Get into the car “You know you're going to die (while on the way home)”

Going toTherapist office “They’re going to hospitalize you” “don’t say anything” ” H already called and this is a set up.” You know anything you say will get you hospitalized ``''do you want to end up like R?” (locked away for months) “they’re drugging you and you're allowing it.” “be courjal, normal people's problems” “don’t say too much” all while at the appointment.”breathe you got out of there.” Your safe for another week” [If it’s just for my injection I start thinking if it’s not (Nurse) they’ll get it wrong]

Got to get gas: H’s leaving to get gas, lock the doors/windows and hide the keys. Someones going to break in and grab you. What if someone is in the back? Watch all the doors through the mirror, list all my flaws while looking in the mirrors. H’s back I can unlock the car and turn on the air. Invision all the ways we can get killed on the way home. H talks about dinner. “Don’t even think about it.” You’ve eaten so much **** today… literal shit….. On and on until I finish eating then the talk of purging my ‘mistake’ as I distract myself for at least 20 min.

I tell H I need to shower. He waits in the bedroom to protect me from anyone coming in. [He helps me in and out of the shower and wipe my eyes.] The water is hot enough that I may faint but it gets the bugs off. H helps me out of the shower gives me water and gets my pajamas.
He gives me my meds. “They make you fat.” “they’re killing your personality” “You're just on it to make their life easier…” “Spit it out, **** **** this will kill you” “throw it up, now” “they are trying to control you.” “do
you know how many calories are in those pills.” “It’s not sanitary” “You should throw the pills out.”
Talk to H until I fall asleep.