Wake up . First thought is what time is it; second thought is I need to pee; third thought is about the horrible thing that happened to me a year ago this month (though my reactions are getting to be less as time goes by). Take vitamins and a handful of prescription drugs that I need for my thousand things wrong with me- mostly brought on by psych drugs. Decide whether or not I'm going to the gym. If so, get dressed in workout clothes, if not, get in the shower. If yes, drive to gym, walk on treadmill for half an hour, get very sweaty and drive the 5 minutes home to shower. Sometimes voices start arguing with me about what I've done. We argue like this for quite a while. "You're a jerk." "Shut up." "You're still a jerk." "Someone has poisoned the milk." "And you drank it! Hahahahaha!"
Sometimes I fantasize about . Sometimes I get anxiety. It starts as a dull ache in my chest and weighs me down while the thoughts race. The depressive thoughts creep in . I call my pdoc's office and have to talk to someone on "the team" instead of pdoc. They ask a million questions and still don't help. They say they'll pass our conversation over to pdoc and when she replies they- the team member will call me back. He tells me to take both my PRN Haldols. But no one calls . Not him, not pdoc. Days pass and I figure I'm just not that important to them - again. I watch tv for a while- or listen to music or read- then I take my night time pills, including Haldol, which I also take in the morning. I go to bed and repeat the next day.