Thank you *Beth* and Sunflower123 for your feedback. I've tried some grounding exercises. I really appreciate being able to spill my feelings out here and see that people care, at least because a big part of the negative spiral i get into is that "nobody cares about me". Maybe other people can relate to this core belief.

I've got a handle on part of what is generating all these negative thoughts. His unexplained ghosting reawakened a feeling of isolation that goes back to when I was a child. I felt I had no one to turn to, especially my parents as they were both abusive to me and they treated my sister and me so differently that I thought for many years I was adopted. She was a the 'golden child' I think it is called. They would both tell me after they abused me that I "wanted to be a victim".

It's always been hard for me to make and keep friendships. I remember sitting on my bed as a child wondering why I was so apart and alienated from other people. It's never really changed and I'm not any closer to figuring it out than when I was 10. It's difficult to not get swallowed up in ruminating about all the consequences of that.

It doesn't help that my IBD has reared its head again after a years of not really causing me any problems, which I'm thankful for. My microscopic colitis flare started before I realized he had blocked me again so his ghosting is not the reason for it. I've made some changes so hopefully that will start to pay off soon in my symptoms.

The most soothing thing is to pet my cat and do my stretches, and trigger point massage with a foam roller and a lacrosse ball, which I do every day for shoulder/back/arm pain and flexibility. The pain has gotten much better now that i also started seeing a new massage therapist and she recommended some new stretches that I didn't know about. I think it was all the anti inflammatories I was taking before for pain that triggered this MC episode.