I'm doing ok. I am waiting for my brother and dad to return home to eat dinner. I made curry with my mom. I feel really good that I returned home. I have a family still. My parents are elderly but they taught me that life continues with age and stops only with death. My illness is stable again. The shots really work. The side effects are the same- sleepiness and hunger. I can tolerate these over psychotic symptoms. I sometimes wish that I won't become psychotic again but this is not the case. I know I probably will get stressed again but need to just get my shots no matter what. I actually like the feeling of calmness now. Before, I was agitated. I will survive. But, I want to be happy surviving and healthy. I don't watch the news that much anymore because it is depressing. I am in my own world. I try to do things that make me happy.


My bookkeeping class drives me nuts though. I like making tables but balancing debits and credits is driving me batty. I never took an accounting class before and now am taking two. I want to take two more classes in accounting to help my family's business. But, that will do it for me. I'm taking classes with people who want to be certified accountants. It makes me laugh because I find it to be laborious and tedious. But, I guess, someone has to do accounting in the world. I am not business-oriented but realize counting money is important for economic survival. I like the challenge of learning new skills but can't see myself balancing numbers for the rest of my life. Well, I know this is not for me. I do have to balance the books for my family's business but hopefully I will do this part-time for the time being and do another more interesting job.


I was really into my appearance while psychotic but now am not worried about it. I am not going to attract anyone nor am I interested in attracting anyone. I've gotten over being single and like being single. I enjoy my freedom and my independence. I also like just being with my family. I feel very blessed to have a family still despite their insanity.


Overall, I'm doing fine. I'm proud of myself for recovering and being productive. I also am happy my mother is recovering physically although she is progressively declining from dementia cognitively. It can't be helped. I try to understand her. Boy, she was mean to me throughout my life. But, she is my only mother. For better or worse she tried to do what she thought was right for herself. I got over trying to understand her insane ways. I just accept her and ignore her tantrums. She has been the most difficult person I know. I feel her pain for being a child of the war era. I know it must have been hard for her. She is a misogynist and hates being a woman- she told me this. So, I suffered because of her narrow-minded perspective. I know my mental illness is partially due to her genetics and to her treatment of me. I forgave her a long time ago for being cruel to me. My father was cruel to her too though. He is a typical male chauvinist pig. He never does housework and only changed my diaper once as a child. He made alot of mistakes too but I realized he did not know any better.

I forgave him too. As someone with an insane family, I turned out ok- I believe. I am not mad at the world- just insane myself at times. It could not be helped that I became mentally ill. I am trying to the the best I can to survive with it. At times, it is difficult since my family is not supportive continually. They are too old now. I am blessed to have come home to them while they are still alive. I feel very grateful about making the choice to return home. I would have been very sad to not see my mother again although she drives me nuts.


I am happier now. The shot really cleared my mind. Thank goodness!