Sometimes I think to myself I want a boyfriend I want to do fun things with them and then I think about my life and sometimes don't think that such a great wonderful relationship will ever happen. It's such a silly thing for me to obsess about like last year you know how I liked my maths teacher will I asked him out this year in February and I got no reply. I feel like silly because I still think about him and miss him. I'm like I have a fear of missing out on a great thing and then I talk to my sister about wanting a relationship she says relationships suck and you only want it because of the need to reproduce but mostly I just want to have fun with someone. Whenever I have this conversation she asks me will why aren't you friends with B well B makes me feel depressed with how often they complain and how negative they are. That I'm actually happy that I'm not friends with them anymore to be honest I feel like I'm better off being alone with no friends then someone that makes me sad. However there's still that part of me that feels sorrow for watching my friends have boyfriends and I get squat. I'm in a pessimistic view right now feeling that everything I want love, friendship and a job are all things far away from me and impossible to happen. I wish I didn't care I wish I could go back to being happy being single where does this desire to have someone and one day have a family come from. Is it desperation, the fear of missing out or being scared of loneliness. Do I just want someone coz I find life boring and sad? It feels sometimes like I'll never be loved I know love comes from the inside too but is it wrong for me to want someone who cares about me. I don't want this to be a cold world. I don't want to be single forever and I fear I will always be.