I think I've created my own suffering by wanting a boyfriend and it's like I'm trying to find ways so I don't want it. I know that I have pain inside me and all my fears about not having the time to have children does get in the way. I know my thoughts aren't helpful sometimes I feel sorry for myself and frankly I don't think life can give me what I want or need. I know I need to work and get a job but even responsibility I find scary and don't feel it possible. I've had my sister tell me and people tell me all the jobs I can't do because of my lack of concentration and I can't help but think if I was a better me I wouldn't have these problems. Also I don't think I can be any better I just see myself when it comes to work as useless and I frankly don't know how I'm going to save without my mum. Frankly, I'm still emotionally immature and I have no common sense and that's where I fail. I wish I could turn off my wants and just accept where I am but I don't know how. I just hurt a lot somedays and just curse the stars for how my destiny has turned out I don't want to be in this country. I don't want to be unable to have my dream job I don't want people telling me what I can and can't do but it's time I accept that I can't be a nurse and I shouldn't drive either.