I cant have friends. I prefer to be alone to be around someone and be worring they are thinking I am weird, it is so stressfull it is unbereable. Having a social demand during the day means hours to relax, means disconecting myself from my daily memories and just exist until some stress is releaved and I cant sleep, the only thing that makes the anxiety go away. Is having my mind hurting and my body hurting, wanting to shut down at any cost.
I cant have friends, I cant vent with anyone, I cant trust anyone, I cant make deep conections. Is the constant shame, the fear of the known rejection. But the shame and the anxiety created by shame are just unbearable, they dominate my life, my thoughs.
Then there is depression and dullness, this non existent sensation. I am totaly disconected with my life. But I longer for a stimulus, something soothing to make me feel just a litle more alive, maybe a good talk show or a news program, to hear and are people, to have a sense of interaction with the world without feeling selfcontious and scared.
I am very disconected, life for me is not there.