Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel
Just because someone owns their part of a rupture and even apologizes and works to prevent it in the future, doesn't mean the original hurt isn't still there. And that is okay. Part of having a healthy relationship is how we navigate the hurts. You can bring up past hurts. It's good to do so. Not to blame, not to make the other person feel bad, but to find more understanding and acceptance, maybe validation? It's okay to want reassurances. It's okay to have your feelings. And it's okay to need more processing.
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This is a great point.
I often talk about being hurt by something my T said or did in our session that I know that someone without my attachment injuries or trauma might not be hurt by. It's. not always about them apologizing as they didn't actually do anything wrong but they did play a part in the rupture. It's more about them acknowledging and validating the hurt. perhaps saying something such as 'it makes sense that me saying that would have hurt you, I'm sorry I caused you more pain' And then maybe moving into why I am so hurt by it. where is the original wound coming from. usually if it's that painful to cause a big rupture it's because of something that happened me as a child. There have been times when I was able to explore that and acknowledge and validate that part of me that was hurt that I have found some sort of healing. This might not work for everyone I know.
I would also say too that sometimes we can also have a tendency to try to hold onto the hurt. Again, I'm speaking more specifically about myself and not necessarily others. I get hurt quite easily and sometimes I find myself almost wanting to hold onto the hurt. I can't quite describe it here other than to say at times I find myself wanting to stay in the hurt as it feels more familiar to me rather than letting it go and moving on. Not sure if that makes sense maybe not. Its like that's the feeling I'm most used to...feeling hurt ...it almost feels more comfortable in a weird way