I know I am basically talking to myself in here, but I just came home w my session with T. I don’t feel better, maybe worse?

She said she hasn’t made any decisions yet about getting rid of the evening time slot, but I can feel it-she will. Then I will be stuck with phone sessions indefinitely, and I don’t want to do that. I couldn’t tell her that, though. That if we go to phone sessions, I might quit.

We’ve done phone sessions before-during the pandemic and this summer. The pandemic was completely out of our control, so that felt ok. I was pretty disappointed at first about this summer, but then she said it would only be 2 months. I could do that. But FOREVER? I don’t know.

We also talked about how I feel gross because I feel like I care too much about our (and my trauma T) relationship too much. I am a large, disgusting leech, sucking the life out of them. She said that I vacillate between avoidance, and then when I feel too isolated, feel very dependent. It’s true.

I feel worse about feeling too needy. She said it was her choice to continue working with me, but she has no clue the level of neediness that is inside. And she has no idea that I feel it much stronger for trauma T. Trauma T doesn’t know that either.

I don’t know what to do. I want to SH. I want to never go to therapy again.