I didn't know this thread was here until today.

You are going through so much. I wish I could make you a nice favourite hot beverage, and look in your eyes, and reassure you.

Everything feels very confusing right now, I get that. I was worried this would happen. But I respect you so much for putting your mom's health ahead of your own. That's what loving is.

Only a little way to go, now. It will all be okay.

Everything will be alright. You will get through this. And you will, in the long run, be well and happy again.

It took me a very long time to get out of my old way of forgiving everyone for their sins, and into truly seeing the big picture when I was being victimized by my abusers. It happened repeatedly because, A.) I was innocent, and basically kind, and had been raised with a strong Judeo-Christian idea of love and forgiveness, and B.) I could never fathom what many people are actually capable of, and how happily they will try and manipulate and control/ abuse another person.

It also took me an extraordinarily long time to get my head around the fact that I was worth protecting and respecting. But, ever since I started thinking of things in a different light (as in, My emotional health IS the basis of my well-being), I have been doing much better. I was always a little shell-shocked and stuck in a kind of disbelief at first, when I smelled the rat right under my nose...I cared for these people as human beings, and had obviously developed profound emotions around some of them. But I accepted that I was never going to be cared-for, by them, in the way that I desired and needed. That's when I found the courage and the strength to take care of myself, and do what I needed to do to stay safe.

Now that there is some time & distance between myself and the individuals who, for whatever reason, wanted to victimize me, I am MUCH stronger, and can process things in a very clear and direct way. And I'm getting better every day.

You will, too, HaveHope. You will get there.