phantasmagoric, I have had periods where I spent days and nights on the computer trying to figure out the root cause of my "problem." I have, at times, really became obsessed with it. I have had to let go of the "need" to know exactly what causes my thoughts. They are irrational thoughts--they don't necessarily make sense or have specific causes. Plus, I don't think knowing the cause of them will make them magically go away. That was my big drive, I thought if I could figure out the cause of the thoughts, they would go away. I am not sure that is true.

There is nothing wrong with you! You are not broken or damaged.

Medication and therapy have helped me a great deal. Have you considered talking with somebody about your thoughts?