I think that you would benefit from attending an al anon meeting and even seeing a therapist that understand the hurt YOU suffer being in a relationship with someone that is a long time alcohol abuser. Your children deserve to get help for this too because it most definitely has negatively affected them.

What I learned was that most marriages end up in divorce once the person gets sober and the partner is helped to understand the damage it has caused them.

Some stay together if they both abuse alcohol or drugs. They tend to live in a disfunctional loop. The loop you describe is very real and it HURTS spouse and children. It’s important you all get counseling so you don’t end up in yet another dysfunctional loop unknowingly.

These melt downs are awful and are probably imprinted in all of you physically. I believe you when you describe her anger and rage that can get triggered and last for days. Sounds like you learned to walk on eggshells. Me too and I am very sorry.

When I see the red flags in someone, I distance.