So I want to give some insight on how my relationship with my husband has been, I would love to hear opinions please.

I started dating him when I was 15 and not long after he would do things like skipping school to go hang out with other girls and even disappeared for a whole day and his mother and I search for him to find out he was with an exgirlfriend. A couple years into our relationship he started letting a girl from work take him home and they even kissed one night, they would send each other notes back and forth at work. He would collect numbers he received from girls and even went to a strip club and got a lap dance behind my back.

I don’t know why I stayed, I guess I had low self esteem and didn’t think I could find anyone else.

I decided to marry him when I was 18, I guess I just thought it was the next step. Things were ok for a while besides when we would get in fights he hurt me a few times.

Move to about 3 years later, when our son was born. I found out he had a porn addition and would constantly have to ask him to stop and he never listened. I got no help around the house and sometime he didn’t even have a job. He would message girls he knew in school about how great he was. Our daughter was born and I was still dealing with the same things, except when we would fight he started hurting me again. He started texting he best friends girlfriend all day long and even admitted she wanted to date him.

Move to several years later, everything had been pretty quite, except for the porn thing, I go out of town with my two kids while pregnant to visit family. He stayed back home. The first night he went to the pool hall by himself he says but never would answer when I called and he checks his phone often. I get home after a week and checked his email for a document I needed and find where he had got a Craigslist to try and find some company… all while I’m 7 months pregnant…it hurt, but I stayed and he said he would never do it again. After having the baby and on her first birthday I got a message saying he had been cheating on me…and this had been going on for the past 4 months, while I had a miscarriage. It was devastating but I decided to stay for the kids.

He was really sorry. He said he wanted to do chastity where he would be locked up. I went with it the first time, but he became more aggressive and mean. We stopped, but in the past four years he hasn’t given up on it, he has coerced me into doing it a head full of times. Last summer after vacation he wanted to do it and after a month of constant coercing I gave in, but he wanted me to sleep with other men, and I was so lonely I did it. He couldn’t handle it so he wanted to have an open relationship ship…so we did, it was the worst thing for our marriage. He still thinks it was a great idea. Anyway, during this time we would go drinking a lot, I’m pretty ashamed of this whole time, like it wasn’t me and I was watching it all happen.

One night we got in an argument while drinking and I walked away and he picked me up and backhanded me three times and someone saw and called the police. I lied and said nothing happened because I was scared. After the police left he kept threatening to kill me and bury me in the woods nearby. I was so scared. I ended up with a black eye, and my teeth cut into my cheek. I wish now I would have said something. It happened another time where he got me and blood gushed from my nose. He told me it was my fault for pushing him to it.

After I ended the open relationship I fell in a deep depression and anxiety. I’m April I finally went to a psychiatrist and therapist, but he would make me feel bad about it so I stop in August. I haven’t got any support with my depression.

In may he wanted he said he wanted me to dominate him and turn him into the man I want, I would tell him it was unhealthy. He says he needs help and I’m the only one that can help, really unhealthy. He would stop or he want a “normal” relationship with lots of sex and blowjobs is his exact words.

I feel like I’ve been put through gaslighting and coerced into sex, probably other thing too.
It’s hard to put everything that’s happened because I can’t think of it all.

I also think he maybe a narcissist. I want to leave but I don’t want to hurt my kids and I haven’t had a job in 15 years…and I have no friend or support.

I’m sorry if this is long and drawn out, I just want to feel I’m not alone.

Thank you for reading