Work was a mixed bag the past few days. A lot of technical problems (including one that cost me a customer in spectacular fashion), but also some genuinely nice (and ego boosting) moments. I had three customers in a row shake my hand after I helped them, not out of politeness or obligation, but out of genuine gratefulness. Also, there was a customer I had befriended who trusted my judgment so much, he asked me to do a little "off the books" job. He offered to pay me for my time. I demurred. He insisted, so I told him to buy me a Dollar Menu burger and Coke and call it good.

It's nice to have people respect my opinions and trust my judgement, at least on this particular topic. When I worked directly for Wally World, I asked for more responsibility and a job I had the skill set for. Not only did they say no, they wrote me up for "performance issues" less than a week later. They made their message (We would rather fire you than listen to you.) loud and clear.

My bosses have questioned my competence and judgement. My dad and cousin refuse to give me a chance to solve anything on my own, by which I mean "I need help." turns into "I can't do it." in their heads. My mom will even give me an "Are you sure?" just a little too much.

Add in bipolar disorder, where people equate me not being able to trust my own mind with me not being trustworthy, and you've got Jenga. The mania and depression make me doubt myself which makes other people doubt me which in turn make me doubt myself more. A vicious cycle.

That's why this job is a lifesaver. For a few eight hour shifts a week, I don't have to doubt myself and people have noticed. I'm allowed to be competent and confident and not be immediately dragged down. It's a nice feeling.