Today is Sunday. The last time I spoke with T was on Wednesday. Since, then I have only sent him one email, and it was a link to an article. I did not personalize the email to him; in fact, I sent it to a bunch of people at once, T being one of them.

This is very strange for me. I normally have some type of correspondence with him everyday whether it is through voicemail, actually speaking with him, or email.

I am unhappy with our last session and last phone call. The last session was Tuesday; the phone call Wednesday.

The reason that I am unhappy with the last session has absolutely nothing to do with T. I was in the "up" of my mixed phase and I was blurting out things left and right, many of them with sexual undertones or ramblings that were not connected to anything significant besides for my own flight of ideas (at one point I was talking about Betsy Ross and how many sexual partners she may have had. It was completely T's fault, however, for encouraging me by suggesting that perhaps that was what each star on the flag stood for, hahahahaha). Anyway, I was completely not in control. Frankly, I never want to go back (that is a lie, by the way, but it is just how I feel on the surface, based on the last session). I know it was a part of me, a part that he has never seen in action before, a part of my illness-- but still.

I don't remember why I spoke with him on the phone the next day. I do remember that I had taken a quick dip into depression and spoke do him while I was at work. I remember him sounding like he really had no idea what to tell me anymore. I called him out on that and he said that in no way has he given up on me or run out of ideas. The last thing he said was, "Call me or email me anytime."

So I haven't. I feel like I am a huge burden on him and I need to give him a "vacation." There is a small part of me that wants to test him because in my mind, I feel like he should be thinking I am dead and calling to check up on me. That part, however, is much smaller than it used to be. In the past, I would have been writing pages and pages in my journal about how much I hate him for not calling me. I try not to place those games anymore. It has not been uncharacteristic for him to call me in the past, just to see how I am doing. However, I truly have no doubt that he has been thinking about me, that he is concerned, and that he cares.

Now there are only two days remaining until our next session. This was the first week in a long time that I did not see him two times (he was unavailable on Saturday). I miss him very much and I have gone through some very difficult times in the past few days without contacting him. The need to do so was great, but not as great as it has been in the past-- not great enough to call. I try not to torture myself. If I need him badly enough, I will not hold back. However, there has been something else preventing me from contacting him-- something other than my desire to give him a "vacation." I am not sure what. It definitely hasn't been my ability to regulate myself emotionally, because I have done some pretty stupid things since Wednesday. I'm really not sure...