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pinksoil said:
I feel like I am a huge burden on him and I need to give him a "vacation." There is a small part of me that wants to test him because in my mind, I feel like he should be thinking I am dead and calling to check up on me.

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My first thought was how would he know he was having a vacation; he might worry all the time, either expecting you to contact him any minute (and being tense about that, like waiting for the other shoe to drop) or wondering why you hadn't, etc. Ah, we can think our way into any corner or problem we wish so very easily!

I know saying "relax" doesn't help but I try to separate out, disengage, my thinking from who and what is happening around me when I know the thinking is momentarily skewed.