It has been a long time since I posted but I have been so busy with so many things going on and I wanted to give an update. Again, I really appreciate all of the kind words from everyone. This forum has been a major help for me through all of this.

A lot has happened since last I posted but I will keep it brief and focus on what I am going through right now because I am better but I am still struggling with so much. I am back in my house. All the dissolution papers are signed and my court date is in a month. I have had no contact with her in over a week except to ask her to drop the dogs off at my house. I have tried to live without the dogs but they are like my kids and I miss them too much. We are working together to make it so we both can still see them. I have been in my house alone for over a month now. I do fine when it comes to taking care of myself but I just feel lonely. I have had family members offer to stay with me at times but it isnt what I feel like I need. I have this overwhelming feeling of wanting a companion. Someone to spend time with and make memories with. I wish I could kick this feeling but it lingers within me always. I have no want for her back in my life. Even though I wanted this marriage to work and I would have loved for us to stay together and figure it out, it just wasnt meant to be. I realize now that it is a good thing that this is happening but I still miss her and I still love her. We were best friends and now I cannot talk to her at all without getting emotional. I really hate all of this.

The main thing I am struggling with is feelings of purpose. For 11yrs I have been planning and working hard to make a good life for her and I. Four years ago we bought a house together with the goal in mind to have kids one day. I felt like I had a purpose in life. I had goals I was trying to achieve. I wanted a family and I thought she did too. Now that she has left, the future I was working so hard to achieve is no longer in sight. Ive been asking myself "What do I do now? What is my purpose and place in this world? What do I have to look forward too when everything I was looking forward too has come to a stop?" I have been having so many feelings of worthlessness and I simply feel lost and alone. She still claims I have done nothing wrong to cause this separation and that her feelings have just changed over the years and she fell out of love with me with no exact cause for it. I still struggle to comprehend how she just fell out of love with me. I still struggle to comprehend how she can be ok just leaving me behind when she sees all of the pain she has caused me. It hurts me to think about doing this to someone. I know she didnt want to cause me all this pain but she still shows no emotions. She seems so cold and emotionless. It is so weird to see her this way.

I have already gone on for so long. I just have so many emotions right now and I am just trying to move forward. I am trying to work through the anger and resentment. I am trying to forgive her. I want to forgive her and not be resentful towards her. Everything I have been busy doing lately has been focused on me. Everyday I am constantly working through my thoughts and emotions to get past this. It is exhausting and though I have been doing better now I am back home, I still have this empty feeling in my stomach everyday. I still feel depressed and sad everyday. I am still thinking about her and what I am missing out on in her life. I still miss her and love her and I dont want to anymore.