Therapy was very productive today. I was very focused because I had my anxiety and my nausea under control, and I had eaten breakfast and I slept decently last night. We mainly talked about work. My fears and also how I was fact checking at the same time. We talked about my weight and food. She brought it up. I said I was confused about what I wanted. I didn't always like being a small guy when I looked in the mirror, but I also liked seeing lower numbers on the scale and it was hard for me to eat a lot. I told her I would try and eat as much as possible on as little calories. She was alarmed at that and said "that is for sure eating disorder behavior." I was really confused because I've been doing that for literal years and never thought it was an issue. She said she bets I can list off the calories of any food she gives me which is also an ED behavior. I asked if she thought I had one. She said she thinks I'm somewhere in between disordered eating and an eating disorder. She wants me to put on some weight but I don't know if that is necessary.

Anyways today was good because of the steps I took before the session to make it a good session.