Same here... i cudn't imagine it before.

There was one time in my recovery when I thought of only one alternative to the extreme and ongoing pain, but that time passed and so did the pain.

It's pretty scary to have had the thought. And it was a comforting thought. Enticing. It was kind of like an aha moment, like...there's the answer, 'people won't think your so attractive then.'

A follow up thought was that I could google it and find out how to make the scars prominent. How stupid is all of that? Very.

I don't know whether this kind of stuff comes from ptsd or from childhood sex abuse (and a variety of abuses as a kid), but I thought it would be better to say these things out loud rather than to harbor them as secrets like I've done so many other things

ty for prayers
T.