I am weird, I have always been weird. I was sent and voluntarily been to many psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists but it was always "depression & anxiety" as diagnosis, although I never thought I was really depressed. I actually never believed I was depressed, ever. But, I never had friends. That's weird. People would like me, because I am smart and I can be interesting, and they would seem like they want to be friends with me. I was always confused in relationships and interactions with people. I never ever recognize if someone likes me, hates me, or has any feeling, I am unaware of gestures, reading between lines, subtle things, I have to be told everything. Otherwise, I don't catch anything subtle. I am very emotional and empathetic but I don't know how and I don't like to show emotions, so I tend to look cold and aloof even though I am not. People who were my friends always left me without explanations or any word. Just left. On the other side, I find it hard to control my emotions, when I have them, I show them, and people also hate hate that. I know that is contradictory. I hate noises of any kind, even small, barely there, I react badly, very badly, especially to drills, firecrackers and other loud repetitive sudden noises, I had anger outbursts when I break things but I never hurt any living being. Just pillows, doors, cabinets and stuff. I have great difficulties to concentrate, I can barely read 3 sentences before I lose focus (I did finish college thou ). I feel like I have no idea how to fit in current society, like I was born without a manual that others have. I don't get interactions, conversations, relationships... I am lost.
At my age, 50, I have no single friend. I have also difficulties getting into love relationships. I've been told that I am "very cute", even now at my age, and that I am "attractive", I have a job, hobbies, I've been told I am interesting and even funny, and men tend to be attracted to me at first but then run away, like friends, no explanation. I have no idea why. Except that I am maybe too weird. I feel unfit in this world like everyone knows how to do social things and I don't, I find it incredibly exhausting to talk to anyone, except people in my family, closest to me. Even though I am natural loner, I do feel alone a lot. But no one likes me, and I am scared no one will ever tell me why, and why people always leave me.
I thought, maybe I am on spectrum, there are things that point to maybe Aspeger. But, how all those professionals I have visited missed that?