Thanks everyone. I'm going slower now. It has also just occurred to me about something else that is going on. It doesn't help. I just realized that I am in anorexic mode. I got some comments recently about me not eating much but I hadn't thought much of them. Yesterday it happened again and one person said that he knows I have been eating and that he can see it--that he's watching. That got me thinking more about everything and what I was doing--and how many other people can "see" what I am doing, and what are they thinking, and will they HARASS me about my habits?! For anyone who has dealt with an eating disorder, you probably know the paranoia I mean thanks to people in the past who tried to force me to change in a very unsupportive manner. Anyway, with everything plus and my bad eating habits fighting with my conscience, I still have a mood. Or another one on top of the other. Whatever, however. I have too much going on and all these thoughts about different things. One side of me thinks it's like why can't I just do something bad for me just once to get it all out of my system?! The other side knows what is right and has a conscience, and believes (why I maybe don't know??) that somewhere in me is the real me hibernating, the happy, successful me who will get out of this life crap situation and be productive and powerful--being always optimistic and opportunistic. Sometimes I have a lot of trouble believing that. But I know reality--she is there. Somewhere. Down very deep. She's been buried alive and has been suffocating. I need to find a crew to dig her out soon while she's still gasping. It's hard to find the energy sometimes. No, I mean, a lot of the time. I'm so tired of everything. I need A LOT to go right for once, for a change, to change my whole attitude and hopefully my outlook. Some friends and so many of you have helped me in this recently and their simple actions have made quite a jump in me and my spirits. It gives me some hope and keeps my mind fighting with my conscience to remind me of what I need to do and work on. Just being able to fight these issues between my mind and conscience tell me that it is possible--it's there already. I just need to overstep the fight to the next level.