I had a melt down last night. I’m sorry if I worried or scared you. For the record, the diatribe was not about my fiancée who is a good man and better to me than I deserve. There are a few relationships in my life that involve spontaneous and frequent cruelty. One I have addressed. The other, society views as taboo to terminate. Maybe a temporary estrangement as this time? I don’t know. Every time I try to think of solutions I grow exhausted and need to sleep immediately. I’ve tried to live up to other’s expectations but when they keep moving the goal post it’s a hard mantle to bear. I’ve had to accept that some things just can’t be resolved. Sometimes love is not enough. The tears are gone as is the brutal pain and new resolve has taken root. My mental and physical health is my first priority. It has to be.

I think the continued demands of me and the loss of sleep over what is happening outside my home created a perfect storm yesterday. I am at the secluded cabin in my beloved mountains now and I am starting to feel better. Human again. No demands. I’ve got the fireplace going and I’m about to go out in this frigid weather to enjoy the hot tub. Lovely. When it warms a bit, I’ll start the hike to my favorite spot. My private messages are activated and my ignore list is clear at this time. The day after I arrive home, whenever that may be, I’m leaving for a week and a half to go north to take mom to see her sisters. That will be good. It’s peaceful there.

I’ll get into another grief class and I will grieve the fractured relationship as much as the one I lost (my brother). Down but not out. Always.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day. Much love.