I might be replicating some of what you’re already doing but if it were me I would probably try using “I” statements, for example:

“When you said…. It made me feel” sort of thing.

Sometimes in arguments people can become focused on being right and lose sight of how they are impacting on the other person.

I have often found my instinct is to verbally fight back, by accusing the other person, which has always made matters worse. I try now not to do this, but if I am upset to get space by saying “I’m feeling really confused/upset (whatever)” and then discussing later when things have cooled down.

No idea if any of that is relevant for you but wish you well.