Hello,

I've been reading this subforum for four weeks now, meaning to post my story, but my emotions swing so often that so far I've been too exhausted to.

I'm 35, and the love of my whole adult life is leaving after nearly 16 years. I felt it could never happen - what a stupid, stupid way to see another person.

We each have our problems, and she decided we can't be together if hers are going to improve. She thinks we are a bad match and bring out something strange in eachother. I understood at first. But she focuses obsessively on the negative in everything. Absolutely everything is a criticism or an attack to her. She has serious problems, but is trying to do this without help, whereas I'm scheduled to start therapy sessions.

Everything I know and care about is connected to her. My issues have mainly been social for most of my life, and because I felt so secure in our relationship, I allowed my social life to shrink to nothing, especially over the last 5 years. I will be alone.

Yet sometimes there are even good days, where I feel thrilled to plan my own future. Then other days where I can't imagine life without her, and feel so empty I know I just won't be able to live.

The night times are awful.

And the physical side of losing someone is almost unbearable. This was not some sexless marriage scenario. I feel it's hard to talk about that part.

Even when I have good days, thoughts of her future and physical jealousy are just extreme, it's one of the parts of this I wish most of all I could learn to cope with. And connected to that, wondering whether secretly this all has something to do with someone else.

I used to have nightmares, emotional ones. They were of this situation. I've even had the same nightmares since she told me we had to break up, and I've had to wake up and realise the nightmare is real. She has expressed almost no emotion since. She doesn't cry about it. I do most days, and only got through my first day without crying at work this week, four weeks in. What kind of negative thing must I have been in her life for her to be able to walk away from everything we shared with no emotion?

Now I have to sell my home. I try to find people who have been through similar things, but they are often people who have been together a few years, I just don't feel the connection I need with people who weren't together for over a decade. This isn't a divorce, but I find myself looking for divorcees to talk to for the seriousness and length of the relationships they've lost.

My main reason for posting is to say that I'm here, suffering through this, and whoever you are and whereever you are, if you're suffering through this too, then I consider you a friend.

I seem to have stopped panicking now that a month has passed, but she moves out in a few days and I'm afraid the loneliness will bring it all back.