Needing to vent tonight. Too much crap going on.

So I'm married to a mentally ill, recovering alcoholic who I'm care advocate for currently. She's been improving, but our relationship is absolute **** right now.

If I cut through all the specifics, she basically lies, and it's hard to tell what the truth and the lie is...

She says we have a sexless marriage, we have sex 3-5 times a month.


She says I suck in bed, then goes on a gushing fit every time we have sex telling me how "Great" I am.

She says she does not spend anything at all then I look at our bank account and find around 5 or more charges for **** from her that I know is her because she brags about it when I come home. Yet it's "My" fault when we go overdraft.

She makes up a **** ton of stuff about past friends, family, business acquaintances, and whatnot and then says things they never actually said or did - or did they? I call these people and ask, when she finds out she says "like they'd ever tell you the truth!"

Every time we fight she tells me it's all my fault at first and then it's something else. Right now it's her period coming back and that she needs a second ablation. Before that it was her sister's romantic life with her new husband. Before that it was because of a celebrity saying or doing something she does not like. The lunatic is 40 going on 14.

Yet I have to take all the blame....

Apparently she plays this game with everyone. She's twisted **** with her own parents to the pooint that where I was seen as the one taking care of her now I'm seen as the mentally unstable immature one by them despite the fact I have to tolerate her ******** every day. Truth is, her parents are rich and out of touch with the reality the rest of us have to live with. I did not marry for money, I married for love, instead I got a marriage of gaslighting, arguing, fighting, and hearsay.

Tonight the only thing stepping between me and changing banking institutions is the place I was initially applying to sucks.

I'm not even sure. Should I stay or should I go? I dread coming home every day, I dread the weekends, I just built up a bicycle so I can just ride away on the weekend and be by myself. I'm fed up with my life and it feels like all I'm doing now is biding my time to die, which will probably be another good 40 years at least.

A part of me wants to just move my funds to a separate bank account, get a storage unit, and work towards a divorce. Another part of me wants to stick around and work it through but it feels completely impossible when I look at it from afar, as I doubt she's going to ever be the same person.

When she drinks she manically roams the house, pacing, listening to the same bloody songs over and over on her YouTube channel, blaming the algorithm for it. Yet somehow my stuff changes. Then she comes in my room or follows me around with long monologues about the same four or five mostly family-oriented subjects, over, and over, and over again.

Tonight she said she's leaving me alone, she's been to my door 8 times to offer food and/or tell me all about these "bonds" I've never heard of or seen since our trip to see her parents 2 weeks ago. If not that, it's been to outright attack me for not being affectionate - how in the HELL am I supposed to feel like being affectionate when I'm going through all this ****.

I seriously hate my life right now and wish It could just be over and done. My home life is just so draining and murdering for me.

Some days, she's totally goal oriented and willing to do the work, and does, to get better, but it feels like the minute something dramatic happens that may not even have to do with her, she crashes and burns hard. I can't take it anymore.