i wrote an email to you last night but of course i won't send it. it's interesting to me, that somehow just the act of pretending to reach out to you was a teeny bit helpful. between that teeny bit, the bigger spark of hope i feel getting on the waiting list for pdoc, and now una's book suggestions the dark cloud is being pushed back ever so slightly just enough to where I feel like I have a little breathing room again. like descending back into the dark hell of clinical depression is not actually inevitable and I can still fight. That with help and connection with other people I might be okay this time. And then I talked to my sister, and she told me about a podcast i need to listen to called "We can do hard things" and this is a hard thing, this pushing back the dark cloud of depression trying to settle over me right now. if this has taught me nothing else, it's that i need to reach out everywhere i can and talk about it, not just let it overtake me in silence like I did back in 2008.