willowtigger, stop listening to those voices in your head that tell you that you aren't good enough. Those people who hurt you were not good enough to see your value. Just because people have treated you badly, does not mean that you should continue to treat yourself badly. That means "they" win. No. That's not right. You win. Because you matter. Don't continue to give into those voices of people who hurt you. The amount that you tear yourself down, from what I have seen here on the forum, is probably worse than anyone has done to you. I understand that mindset. I used to have it myself. That if I was going to be hurt, that I would be the one to do it, and I would hurt myself so well that I would never have to fear hurt from someone else. But you know what, I was wrong to think that way and to hurt myself. I matter. I have value. It sometimes hurts me to read your posts because of the amount that you tear yourself down. I wish I could send you all the rainbows and smiles and hugs and hearts in the whole world so you could feel the care and concern and wellbeing and love we all wish for you. But you should start loving yourself too. Do acts of kindness for yourself. Treat yourself once in a while. Love that inner child that needed love, caring, and nurturing and didn't get it. By loving that inner child, you will eventually feel less of the pain because you will start to heal. I don't know if you have a therapist but maybe you want to think about getting one. There are techniques they can do to help with your thoughts so that you don't constantly give into negative thoughts. One such technique is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT. If you cannot afford a therapist, there are some CBT workbooks out there. Or you could even try the Woebot app on your smartphone. It will help you reframe negative thoughts. By reinforcing those negative thoughts all the time, you are making a self-fulfilling prophecy. I wish you could see your worth. I wish you could see your value. But no one can do it for you. You have to hold up that mirror to yourself and say I am worth it. I am valuable. Because you are. HUGS Kit