It's NOT a lack of self awareness. When you bring his behavior to his attention, that's when he should have become aware. But he denied it each time you mentioned it, which IS abuse. Denial is a form of abuse. And, he DOES have control over what he says to you - we all have control over what we say. It IS emotional and verbal abuse you have experienced.

My abusive husband (whom I am divorcing) tries to claim that he loses all control when he says mean things. Abusers deliberately abuse. Nothing is out of their control.