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pinksoil said:
I miss him very much and I have gone through some very difficult times in the past few days without contacting him. The need to do so was great, but not as great as it has been in the past-- not great enough to call. I try not to torture myself. If I need him badly enough, I will not hold back. However, there has been something else preventing me from contacting him-- something other than my desire to give him a "vacation." I am not sure what. It definitely hasn't been my ability to regulate myself emotionally, because I have done some pretty stupid things since Wednesday. I'm really not sure...

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Reading the beginning of what you wrote here - about needing to call, but not as much as in the past - made me feel like "okay! go pink!" - like this is growth - the ability to hold the connection with him without calling, the ability to make it through on your own, knowing he's got your back if you need him.

I'm wondering if the struggles you've been having...not being able to regulate....are growing pains? Like there is a part of you that really IS okay, but that causes this disconnect with some old thinking, and you're left with "doing stupid things". I know that I have EXTREME anxiety when my thinking changes in a positive way in therapy - T says it's some sort of inner battle between the old thoughts and the new thoughts.

(((((((((((((( pink )))))))))))))))) I know he'll be happy to see you at your appointment. I bet he misses you.