jasie,

I can relate in so many ways. Your post reminds me of a sign on the wall of a hospital where I went to deal with my own PTSD from abuse. The sign was not for me or the other patients, it was for the therapists. In part, it said, "It is a privilege that they let you in -- there's no reason they should trust you -- none." The truth is, we don't trust because we learned not to trust even our own judgment, and that does get in the way of accepting help. For me, I had to overcome that by setting my own terms in therapy. I had to know my own boundaries, and insist on them, like I can't be in a room with the door closed if there's no windows -- too much like the place I was hurt. I had to define what we were going to work on, not let the therapist direct the agenda, at least in the beginning. Sometimes I just needed the therapist to listen to what I had to say, without saying anything back or challenging me with something I didn't feel ready for.

And then there's this point, the way the sign on the wall ended. It said, "That they are in your office is in itself a supreme act of valor." Truly. You deserve credit today, despite your struggles and frustrations, for having the courage to seek help. You're worth it. It's the first step. Keep reaching out for help, just on your terms until you're ready for someone else to be more of a guide.

You deserve to heal.

mtd