dont get me wrong... i am so excited to see him my tummy is doing a dance (ick)

but i am concerned.

i have to cut back how much i see him for financial reasons... so that is one thing...

but... i am reluctant to go back at all.. yes, despite my excitment. Am i afraid or not wanting treatment, etc? No. i'm not feeling afraid of him... nervous maybe but not afraid in a way which would make me not go. This isnt a typical dont-want-to-go thing.

i am afraid of the dependency. If i could do this and not be consumed by that need... i want to see him.. i dont want to need him so much. i'm so attached that i am scared to even post this... i cant explain that part

sadly... for me to make deep change i think the dependency is part of it. It's flypaper... it needs to happen, but it's so powerful that i can't focus on getting better.

i've been limping along through these past three weeks (eek!) and yeah, i do need his help.. i'm ok with that part.. but in the three weeks i also had to just cope somehow. i'm still doing that in the old familiar ways because that is what i know how to do... no, i'm not all recovered and better yet. The larger things i wanted from therapy have only just recently gotten attention (due to the previous issues hogging the show). So, i know that without therapy i am going to continue to mess up my life... choose abusive partners and just plain not understand the basics of decent treatment at the hands of another.

but... there is a certain amount of power in standing on my own... even if i am standing crooked.

anyone have any idea how to do this? how can i continue therapy and be able to maintain myself... not become so desperate and needy? i always knew there was a deep well of need and pain there, but i never knew how bad it was until i started with this T... once opened it overwhelmed me