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eskielover · Oct 18, 2022, 07:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AliceKate

Yes, but again I would argue that this affected your life, not anyone elses. If you had children and they were traumatised in the course of that marriage, I would find it relatable. Then I would ask how you forgave yourself. However, still, it seems different, as I am not the victim, but the potential perpetrator and no matter how long I have worked on overcoming my violent fantasies, they always come back. They are a part of me, now and seemingly always. So it is not just about regretting the past, it is about fearing what I am capable of for the future. How can I trust myself?

My father has this, too. He let it go when he was 70 or something. Frankly, he let it go when he was too weak to act upon his fantasies, which sounds about right.

All that being said, I think you did a good thing, and I find it awesome.

Oh, I have a daughter who survived through those years also & my trying to survive screwed with her life too. After I left, & I knew she wasn't blaming me for leaving her dad, we had long chats about the past & I asked her to forgive me for the way I had reacted. Those talks helped me forgive myself too. & BTW I had 13 really bad years at the end where I was in & out of mental hospitals due to suicide attempts.

Leaving that environment changed my thinking & lots of good thetapy after that in my new location made a huge difference. I was blessed because when I walked out, I left the crap behind & it did not follow me 2100 miles away. That was how I knew it was all my response to my situation & not internal to me. Probably easier to forgive ones self when that realization happens. I know I am a whole new person & have worked hard to integrate that past into my understanding. Forgiveness grew out of that