I am so, so sorry that you are suffering. How awful! Depression is such a cruel and horrible illness. People not afflicted with it have no idea how much heroism it takes just to bear it. I admire people like you and you inspire me. At the same time, it is just heartbreaking what burdens you bear and the crushing weight they must be. I wish I knew what to say to help you. I am on medication for depression and have been hospitalized for it before. It is such a heartless illness. I hope you will find these Forums helpful to you. They have helped me feel less isolated and alone with the agony of it all. I wish you only the very, very best.